Words Unsaid

[Stoic Aurelius]

Words Unsaid

Beautiful. A flower,
blossoming in the moonlight
whilst water glistens softly from its petals.
Her smile, wide as the Nile
every flowing glance is pure serenity
peace shines upon my pupils-
Flickering emotions, blinking lustily
reminiscent of the millisecond captured
When the sun kissed you
with the passion of a thousand subtle winds
Blown away by your charismatic presence
I float swiftly through the nights crisp air,
Unnoticed. An inkling of my world
from your eyes.
Loathing poor me, say something.

[FaQEyeReddit]

Aww nice piece…
Sounds like love for a person.

I’m not super poetic or into this style of writing however I love double meanings and metaphorical things.

I noticed in the poem the person enjoys seeing the person the love Uber the night sky or in other words they don’t want to be in the spotlight but much rather gaze and admire without notice. They describe the person as a beautiful person very fresh with a big beautiful smile that can capture passersby maybe from school or work. However the use of the word Nile points me in a more business setting so I’d say work. The person catches a glimpse of her eyes and is blown away too scared to say anything runs back to his comfort zone so he can admire from a distance. Yet he regrets not saying something


This is nice please feel free to let me know things I missed

[Stoic Aurelius]

You pretty much nailed it on the head. I’m trying to figure out how you knew this was a work related crush poem lol. Everything you stated was spot on. This is a real life situation and i finally got up enough balls to say something only to find out she’s in a relationship. Immediately devastated to say the least but at least I got out of my cowardly way and spoke what I felt. She blushed and was flattered but that was it, now I just go to work happy that I got her to clam up bit. Lets me feel like OK it was still worth it. Thanks for leaving feed I’m picking my pen up after a long hiatus.

[Laureate]

Beautiful. A flower,
blossoming in the moonlight
whilst water glistens softly from its petals.
Her smile, wide as the Nile
I tend to think of the Nile as more long than wide. Not sure this is the right metaphor though I do like the continuation of the water theme with the use of "flowing" in the next part.
every flowing glance is pure serenity
peace shines upon my pupils-
"pupils" is awkward here, maybe use 'iris' to keep the flower theme going?
Flickering emotions, blinking lustily
reminiscent of the millisecond captured
When the sun kissed you
with the passion of a thousand subtle winds
I really like this line and metaphor but the jump from moonlight to suddenly sunlight with no transitional setup was a bit jarring to me. Also I'm not sure "passion" is the right word here. I'd rework the line to something like
'Rippling emotions, blinking lustily
reminiscent of the millisecond captured
When the wind subtly kissed you
with the warmth of a flickering flame'
Here you keep your night theme and water theme, and you have the fire to represent your passion and the flickering moves to represent your despair or indecision.
Blown away by your charismatic presence
I float swiftly through the nights crisp air,
and we're back to night
Unnoticed. An inkling of my world
from your eyes.
Loathing poor me, say something.
perfect ending, no notes

This is a good poem as is because I can tell it was written with passion and longing and real emotion, which is where in my opinion people's best work comes from.
My notes are more technical if you want to focus on that kind of thing and improve in that way. But please don't take them as anything more than constructive criticism or think I didn't enjoy this, because I truly did.